For a Good Cause...
The normal for some is weirdness for others
0 violent reactions From the nonsensical thoughts of your DramaQueen at 9:50 PMNormally, I'm the one who stands in the sidelines staring into something that isn't really there. Why did she have to pick me? Lol.
I'd love to play the role of being the one who makes her life miserable, but I won't. Not this time. I've learned my lesson. Karma's a b***h. There is no way I'm letting bad karma get me again.
So I've decided that I am ignoring her and her pathetic attempts of garnering attention. I've probably matured. Probably. Not so sure about that yet. Found myself being all giddy when a friend gave me a sheet of Spongebob stickers.
What a sad little life she must lead. If I were in her place, I'd probably want attention as well. Kinda sad when you don't have any friends. But shouldn't she be trying to make FRIENDS instead of ENEMIES? Or is she too bipolar to understand the position she's in?
Some people are just so weird.
island in the sun.=)
0 violent reactions From the nonsensical thoughts of your DramaQueen at 6:27 PMIf celebrities have cribs, this Blue-Blooded Wealth Holder has
"Hey MTV, welcome to my island..."
haha. spent the day at the beach. or island. whatever. still smell vaguely like sunblock. haha.
even though i'm the last person in the world to appreciate the beauty of immense light and heat, i'd be a liar if said i didn't have fun...
so y'know, since my life consists of learnings and pathetic attempts of being happy, lemme tell you the things i've learned today:
Mermaids don't exist...
You've got to smile in case of paparazzi attacks
Always check if the grass, er, water is blue-er in the other side. the naked eye cannot be trusted, always use your handy-dandy notebook, er, binoculars...
black DOES absorb heat...
ETIQUETTE is IMPORTANT.. 'cause my mom said so
and finally,
i was destined to be a model.. hahahaha
so after a day of exhaustion from being an artista-slash-model-slash-soulja girl, I WOULD LIKE TO THANK MY SPONSORS....
++Penshoppe for my shorts. bought it yesterday.
++whoever gave my sister her orange beach hat thingy
++mr. pamboat driver, navigator, whatever
++quicksilver for my borrowed hoodie. haha
++and the gilutongan marine sanctuary... for making me a model... for just one day. hahaha
The things i miss...
0 violent reactions From the nonsensical thoughts of your DramaQueen at 6:18 PMTHINK BACK TO 4th year hs...
Let's see how much you remember
and how much you regret.. .
1. What section were you?
+A. all for one, one 4a. haha
2. Who were your seatmates?
+i had a lot... uh... chwah, dawnita, nina, barby, and then i changed seats with someone [forgot who] so f.j. would be together...
3. Still remember your english teacher?
+yeah, ms. abatayo...
4. What was your first class?
+depends on what day it was.. i think we had... physics... and homeroom... and econ? or filipino? i can't remember...
5. Who were your best[classmates]?
+F.J!! i miss them.=(
6. Made friends to the lower years?
+uhhh.. did i? oh yeaaaah, i did. haha
7. How was your class schedule?
+fantastic... haha. i remember having c.l.f [that's religion class] that took up the entire monday morning... hahaha
8. Made any enemies?
+kinda...
9. Who was your favorite teacher(s)?
+mama mia! nanay! and anyone who loved me. hahaha
10.What sport did you play?
+i dunno. softball. but stayed under the mango tree. hate the sun...
11.Did you buy your lunch?
+yeah... i miss saying "Cams! di ka munaug? kuyug ta..." i miss you, ives.=(
12.Were you a party animal?
+no... but my friends and i made fun of who were. PHYLUUUUMMMM. hahaha
13.SKIP CLASSES?
+within good reason... hahahaha
14.Did you get suspended/expelled?
+no...
15.Can you sing the alma mater?
+oh yes... but jinny can't... hahaha. "for our HERO'S song is true..." hahaha. i miss you, jin.=(
16.What was your favorite subject?
+i dunno. CLF..? nooo, physics... hahahaha
17.What was your school's full name?
+St. Theresa's College-Cebu
18.Are you a Varsity?
+haha. bogo all-star only
19.Where did you go most often during
breaks?
+back of the classroom. playing tong or bingo. with f.j. attacking my lunch and leaving me with something enough for one bite...
20.If you could go back in time and do
it all over, would you?.
+i would like to relive it over and over and over. i miss f.j.
21.What do you remember most about 4th
year?
+f.j.=( i love you, fish jelly...
11.13am
I'm taking this opportunity [i.e. the fact that I have a really long break. next class is at 2.30] to write down something in here. Haha. It's kinda hard 'cause my brains functioning really slow, at least slower than usual. I think it's because of all the water I consumed just so I can use the bottles to put latex paint in them. There's nothing relatively interesting about having to consume a liter of water. Except maybe the fact that I really, really want to pee right now. Haha.
There's nothing much going on in my life that I'd want to share. Nothing Interesting... I am so bored. I should wait a few seconds to be inspired by a new topic. Haha.
Oh, right, I deleted my Friendster Blog. Why? 'Cause my darling sister created a Friendster account for my parents and there's this HUGE chance that they might see it. Kinda dangerous seeing as that blog contained rants about them and stuff... like me cutting myself, which they probably don't know about. Whether or not they know does not matter because I don't want to explain to them why. I have no plans of going through the Spanish Inquisition.
Most people don't know why I cut myself. Most of them think that I lead my fairy tale life complete with a castle and gold and all those other stuff. I know that they think that what I..
9.24pm
Where was i? Haha. Couldn't continue typing because the guy at my side at the internet caf kept reading what I wrote. His friendster was probably that boring. Lol.
so well anyhoo, to continue... lemme copy+paste the last paragraph..
Most people don't know why I cut myself. Most of them think that I lead my fairy tale life complete with a castle and gold and all those other stuff. I know that they think that what I do is pretty much senseless 'cause I've got the perfect life, but in reality, I don't.
I act all happy and stuff because I don't like explaining why I'm sad. Haven't you noticed that when someone acts happy, you never ask why? When you're crying, people hover over you and expect for an explanation. I'm not fond of explaining why my life is a mess. It just is.
I started cutting myself 'cause I needed a problem I created. I needed a problem I could control. It seems stupid, I know. I used to think slitting wrists and suicide and all those stuff were gibberish. That's probably 'cause I lived a life in fear of God then. Haha.
The moment I felt He abandoned me, I needed to vent. I needed to take control of something.
I don't know. Maybe He never did. It seems like He did, though. Oh well.
Kinda weird how I never pray anymore. Not the usual saying of the Our Father, Hail Mary, et al. kind of way. I still talk to Him. You know, the usual "Where are You?" and the "I really need You right now." kind of stuff.
[For the record, this is why I don't need a boyfriend. I've got so much drama between me and my God. Haha]
So well, anyway, that doesn't explain much, does it? Haha.
Oh, right, funny thing happened this p.m.
for explanation of this picture, please refer to my latest Myspace blog which was a survey.. I think it was entitled "Yet another survey." I hope he never sees this. Hahahaha
So I’m listening to Peyton Sawyer’s podcasts. If you’ve got no idea who she is, she’s this character from One Tree Hill [if you have no idea what that is, it’s a show that stars… uhhh… Chad Michael Murray. If you still don’t know who that is, just google all of these. Haha.]
Well, anyhoo, if you hang out with me, you’d know that I so want to be Peyton. Maybe ‘cause she’s the one fictional character I’ve seen whom I can most relate to. Okay, so I don’t have two moms who are dead, my dad’s not a sailor person guy thingy, I don’t have a Lucas Scott [where do I get one of those? haha], and I don’t have a psychotic stalker [although weird people call me on my phone. Weird people who have no idea what a voicemail is ‘cause they go, “Hello?” twenty times or have actual conversations with my voicemail. Note to self: I should change my voicemail message. Apparently, “Voicemail. Leave a message,” isn’t quite clear enough.]
Peyton’s this really messed up girl who deals with a lot of even more messed up things. As mentioned, her moms [she had a biological and adoptive mom] died, she’s got this psycho stalker, and her dad’s never around. The good thing in her life is her Lucas. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not desperate to have a Lucas. I’m too busy finding the God who abandoned me.
In one of her podcasts, she mentions how she finds solace in her angry music. I do, too. When my world shatters, and it happens almost everyday, I listen to Bela Lugosi’s Dead by Bauhaus. I know it’s sad and depressing and Peyton pointed out that she loves that kind of music ‘cause it makes her feel like it’s okay to be sad, and that it makes her feel that she’s not alone ‘cause somewhere in the universe, someone feels the same way that she feels.
After reading a letter my cousin e-mailed to his mom [yes, everyone in the family read it because my aunt e-mailed it to my sister, who had it printed], my mom asked me if the reason why I listen to the music I listen to is because I was depressed. I said, yeah it is. When you think that everything in my life became okay after that conversation, think again. I am the girl with the eternally messed up karma. Nothing good ever happens to me.
I don’t know. It’s hard when once upon a time, you had hopes and dreams and then the universe decides to take those away from you. So, yeah, I still haven’t gone over the fact that I’m not in ADMU or USC. It was, and still is, so hard ‘cause all throughout the sixteen years of my life I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to be. And the one time I was sure, the universe decides to pave a whole different ROCKY path for me. Yeah, sure, I was totally cool when my parents stabbed, shot, and flushed my dreams of going to Ateneo down the toilet. I totally convinced myself that USC was also great ‘cause I had friends there, and they’d all have my back when push came to shove. I had EVERYTHING planned from where I’d chill during breaks, who I’d have lunch with, that kind of stuff.
Then I got accepted to U.P. After that, everything happened so fast. My parents were preparing all the requirements. They didn’t even bother to ask me if I was cool with the whole set-up. [For the record, I’m crying. The thought of those moments still makes me cry. I’m such a baby. Haha.]
If they did tell me perfectly reasonable reasons back then, I’d probably be okay with going to U.P. See, I’m the type of person who needs time to prepare myself for life-altering moments. I never even got the chance to prepare myself.
I remember my mom telling me that if I ever got accepted to U.P, I’d definitely go there. I remember her saying it like it was more of a command than small talk or whatever. So, technically, I had no choice.
I’m still in U.P. because mainly, my parents pay for the tuition. And IF they ever let me switch schools, I’d live life feeling like the total failure that I am.
I’ve been overshadowed by the perfect daughter of a sister that I have all my life. I was never the editor-in-chief of the school paper, nor did I take up Nursing when my mom told me to. Under those circumstances, I am a horrible daughter.
I’m having sleepless nights due to studying and school stuff. I totally abandoned my hopes and dreams. I’m this close to killing myself. All of these I'm trying to conquer ‘cause I love my mom and dad.
And right now, I don’t know if anything matters anymore.
TO THOSE WHO ACT LIKE THEY'RE WORRIED:
I'm not killing myself. Don't worry. Promised the God who doesn't listen that I wouldn't. He should know by now that my prayers were worth listening to. Even though I don't pray anymore...
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