Tales from the Epiphany Toilet

So I’m listening to Peyton Sawyer’s podcasts. If you’ve got no idea who she is, she’s this character from One Tree Hill [if you have no idea what that is, it’s a show that stars… uhhh… Chad Michael Murray. If you still don’t know who that is, just google all of these. Haha.]

Well, anyhoo, if you hang out with me, you’d know that I so want to be Peyton. Maybe ‘cause she’s the one fictional character I’ve seen whom I can most relate to. Okay, so I don’t have two moms who are dead, my dad’s not a sailor person guy thingy, I don’t have a Lucas Scott [where do I get one of those? haha], and I don’t have a psychotic stalker [although weird people call me on my phone. Weird people who have no idea what a voicemail is ‘cause they go, “Hello?” twenty times or have actual conversations with my voicemail. Note to self: I should change my voicemail message. Apparently, “Voicemail. Leave a message,” isn’t quite clear enough.]

Peyton’s this really messed up girl who deals with a lot of even more messed up things. As mentioned, her moms [she had a biological and adoptive mom] died, she’s got this psycho stalker, and her dad’s never around. The good thing in her life is her Lucas. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not desperate to have a Lucas. I’m too busy finding the God who abandoned me.

In one of her podcasts, she mentions how she finds solace in her angry music. I do, too. When my world shatters, and it happens almost everyday, I listen to Bela Lugosi’s Dead by Bauhaus. I know it’s sad and depressing and Peyton pointed out that she loves that kind of music ‘cause it makes her feel like it’s okay to be sad, and that it makes her feel that she’s not alone ‘cause somewhere in the universe, someone feels the same way that she feels.

After reading a letter my cousin e-mailed to his mom [yes, everyone in the family read it because my aunt e-mailed it to my sister, who had it printed], my mom asked me if the reason why I listen to the music I listen to is because I was depressed. I said, yeah it is. When you think that everything in my life became okay after that conversation, think again. I am the girl with the eternally messed up karma. Nothing good ever happens to me.

I don’t know. It’s hard when once upon a time, you had hopes and dreams and then the universe decides to take those away from you. So, yeah, I still haven’t gone over the fact that I’m not in ADMU or USC. It was, and still is, so hard ‘cause all throughout the sixteen years of my life I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to be. And the one time I was sure, the universe decides to pave a whole different ROCKY path for me. Yeah, sure, I was totally cool when my parents stabbed, shot, and flushed my dreams of going to Ateneo down the toilet. I totally convinced myself that USC was also great ‘cause I had friends there, and they’d all have my back when push came to shove. I had EVERYTHING planned from where I’d chill during breaks, who I’d have lunch with, that kind of stuff.

Then I got accepted to U.P. After that, everything happened so fast. My parents were preparing all the requirements. They didn’t even bother to ask me if I was cool with the whole set-up. [For the record, I’m crying. The thought of those moments still makes me cry. I’m such a baby. Haha.]

If they did tell me perfectly reasonable reasons back then, I’d probably be okay with going to U.P. See, I’m the type of person who needs time to prepare myself for life-altering moments. I never even got the chance to prepare myself.

I remember my mom telling me that if I ever got accepted to U.P, I’d definitely go there. I remember her saying it like it was more of a command than small talk or whatever. So, technically, I had no choice.

I’m still in U.P. because mainly, my parents pay for the tuition. And IF they ever let me switch schools, I’d live life feeling like the total failure that I am.

I’ve been overshadowed by the perfect daughter of a sister that I have all my life. I was never the editor-in-chief of the school paper, nor did I take up Nursing when my mom told me to. Under those circumstances, I am a horrible daughter.

I’m having sleepless nights due to studying and school stuff. I totally abandoned my hopes and dreams. I’m this close to killing myself. All of these I'm trying to conquer ‘cause I love my mom and dad.

And right now, I don’t know if anything matters anymore.

TO THOSE WHO ACT LIKE THEY'RE WORRIED:
I'm not killing myself. Don't worry. Promised the God who doesn't listen that I wouldn't. He should know by now that my prayers were worth listening to. Even though I don't pray anymore...