For a Good Cause...
Of Disillusionments, Misery, and other Sundry items
From the nonsensical thoughts of your DramaQueen at 10:06 PMLast night I realized that I haven't written in here in what feels like ages. I guess I don't have much to say. Nothing in my dull and depressing life would be remotely interesting to any of you guys.
A couple of nights ago, whilst a friend of mine fought with her boyfriend for the one millionth time [I'm not sure what Fight Number (in their version of Lovers in Paris) it was, I lost count at 52], I was taking five different self-assessment depression tests I found and it all said I had severe depression or whatever. One of those tests told me to seek help or whatever because I'd have the tendency to harm myself. So that'd make me, what? Emo? Harhar. I'd rather eat my toe nails.
I'm pasting the results from Discovery Health Depression Test here. I'm not proud that I probably have depression [I still don't believe the results. I'm a cynical being, I don't trust anyone or anything], I'm bored and I can't sleep. This beats doing nothing.
A couple of nights ago, whilst a friend of mine fought with her boyfriend for the one millionth time [I'm not sure what Fight Number (in their version of Lovers in Paris) it was, I lost count at 52], I was taking five different self-assessment depression tests I found and it all said I had severe depression or whatever. One of those tests told me to seek help or whatever because I'd have the tendency to harm myself. So that'd make me, what? Emo? Harhar. I'd rather eat my toe nails.
I'm pasting the results from Discovery Health Depression Test here. I'm not proud that I probably have depression [I still don't believe the results. I'm a cynical being, I don't trust anyone or anything], I'm bored and I can't sleep. This beats doing nothing.
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| Depression Index | |
 | |
| Your score = 82 |  |
It's common for people to feel a sense of hopelessness for a time when undergoing certain traumatic but rather common life events, such as significant personal or economic losses. However, this feeling seems to be fairly persistent in your case and a serious condition may be developing. Your feelings most likely interfere with your job performance and/or limit your social activities putting a damper on experiences that have great potential. It is important that you take active steps to decrease the frequency and intensity of these emotions so that they don't dictate the way you carry out your life.
Look over the list of symptoms provided below. If your symptoms are connected with a negative incident in your life, then you might overcome them naturally if you give it some time. However, if there has been no such incident, there may be cause for alarm. Depression is treatable and the success rate is very high. You may feel now that every day is a struggle, but it can get better. After some time, with proper treatment, facing another day will become easier and gradually, you will find joy again. Talk to a physician.
Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:
- Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
- Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.
- Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.
- Restlessness and irritability.
- Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.
- Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.
- Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.
- Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.
- Thoughts of death or suicide.
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I probably wouldn't do well in therapy. I hate talking about feelings. I'm cool with talking about thoughts but I've spent my whole life bottling up whatever I feel about anything. Life's less complicated that way. It's tiring when people ask me questions that could be found in the "What's your problem?" Aisle in the supermarket. Probably because I don't exactly know what my problem is... or I don't want to know what my problem is, I don't know.
Or maybe it's because I don't want to solve my problems, whatever they may be, because I've found solace in sadness. I know that it sounds insane but it's one of the nonsense defense mechanisms I've developed. The kinds of mechanisms that don't really work because they make me more miserable but I use them anyway because they make me go through the horrible journey we call life.
I'm bored... and I haven't been analyzing myself these days so let's enumerate some of these nonsense defense mechanisms. Lol.
So anyhoo, ever since I developed those things, I kind of forgot what happiness is, and I kind of think that it probably never existed. Not for me, anyway. I've spent my time just drifting around and I don't feel like I'm alive anymore. I could probably be happy or feel better or whatever but then there's that risk of being disappointed when it doesn't happen so I don't expect to be happy or feel better or whatever.
But at least my misery is at a somewhat steady state. There's no way I'm letting it be dive-bombed by disillusionments.
I'm such a messed-up kid.
Ciao, luvs.
Or maybe it's because I don't want to solve my problems, whatever they may be, because I've found solace in sadness. I know that it sounds insane but it's one of the nonsense defense mechanisms I've developed. The kinds of mechanisms that don't really work because they make me more miserable but I use them anyway because they make me go through the horrible journey we call life.
I'm bored... and I haven't been analyzing myself these days so let's enumerate some of these nonsense defense mechanisms. Lol.
- As aforementioned, not wanting to solve the problem because being sad is, er, more comfortable. Have you guys noticed that there are moments where you find yourself laughing and having a good time and stuff like that, and then the next moment, you're experiencing the same level of feeling only this time, it's the opposite? I've always been a pessimistic one. I found it better to expect the worse outcomes than to have false hopes. Take awaiting the results of an exam as an example, if you expect to fail it, and then you pass, you'd be happy or whatever. If you fail, then you've prepared yourself. It's a win-win situation if you ask me. So that's why I "enjoy" being sad because I know that eventually, I'm going to be sad anyway.
- Smiling when the world is crumbling. I mentioned that I hate talking about feelings, right? I don't know. I think that people never ask how you feel and stuff when they think you're happy. Take it from me, during days when I feel horrible and the face shows it, I find myself being berated by people whose words only make me feel worse. You have no idea how annoying it is.
- Putting hopes and dreams in a box and throwing it in a ditch. I think this is related to No.1. If you stop wishing, and hoping, and thinking, and praying that whatever it is you want might come true, there is no chance of you feeling worse when it doesn't happen.
So anyhoo, ever since I developed those things, I kind of forgot what happiness is, and I kind of think that it probably never existed. Not for me, anyway. I've spent my time just drifting around and I don't feel like I'm alive anymore. I could probably be happy or feel better or whatever but then there's that risk of being disappointed when it doesn't happen so I don't expect to be happy or feel better or whatever.
So yeah, I am miserable.
And yeah, I'm not really living.
But at least my misery is at a somewhat steady state. There's no way I'm letting it be dive-bombed by disillusionments.
I'm such a messed-up kid.
Ciao, luvs.
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